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Now you know why you like this show besides my unstoppable sex appeal and convincing analysis. It’s like a clogged men’s room at the Times Square Burger King. We’re full of it.
So I just said, Happy Wednesday, and it’s true, it’s Wednesday. Fox and Friends would have said something like Thursday. Stupid liars. But that’s not just an isolated example of honesty. It permeates this show like powdered sugar and Brian Stelter’s chest hair. Keep telling him to shave.
GREG GUTFELD: LEFT Don’t Care About Crime
For example, this was a slow news day. So slow, I was the only one in this building. Wait for Jesse to see what I did to his suits. I had no idea polyester was so flammable.
I could have done a mono about inflation or Joe Biden, but not again. It’s so boring. Fortunately, a producer offered this headline, quoting: “Transgender Ex-Neo-Nazi Robber To Undergo Accelerated Gender Confirmation Surgery.” Wow. I’m so glad he’s an ex-No-Nazi.
But talk about a perfect storm of Gutfeldian content: trans, Nazi, gender surgery, prison. Sounds like Hogan’s Heroes afterparty at Bob Crane’s apartment. That guy was crazy. Read it seriously.
But this story has everything. And when I heard it, I almost passed out in the arms of Steve Doocy, who still uses Aqua Velva. Good for him.
But it is true. The U.S. Bureau of Prisons, or BOP, is expediting the sex-confirmation operations of a transgender ex-No-Nazi bank robber after the criminal filed a lawsuit alleging it had denied previous requests.
Now they say all claims, in this case, can be resolved without further lawsuits. Wow. Lawyers must hate that sentence.
Meanwhile, an army veteran somewhere is waiting for a kidney. Another proof is that where a will and a lawyer work on your behalf, there is a way, especially in prison, because you have the world’s most precious commodity. I mean lace. And it’s time.
So it’s no surprise that the operation is on schedule. And guess who pays the bill? You. I mean, who else but taxpayers? And if that’s true, shouldn’t we be looking at what the end products will look like? If I pay for the pizza, I get to choose the toppings, damn it. Let’s start with 38 D.D.s and a nectarine-shaped bum. It’s terrible that someone would say such a thing.
Now in the 1990s in the 1990s, Kat, the inmate Donna Langan, was born Peter Kevin Langan, who was sentenced to life in prison, plus 35 years for robbing banks, using firearms and a destructive device, attacking officers and other guns. † I’m not even sure if that’s illegal anymore.
At the time, Langan was part of a neo-Nazi group called the Aryan Republic Army. This man was such bad news. I’m surprised Kat didn’t let him sleep on her couch. Langan spent two decades in a male prison, Lucky Bastard, before being transferred to a female prison. Of course, I’m sure the number of inmates like Langan isn’t large, but doesn’t everything start small until it isn’t anymore? Well, except for me, I never grow.
But everything else expands through corruption. It is based on the Gutfeld theory of systems gaming or GSOG. That’s when, with every new phenomenon, there are always people hacking the system, and like a young Forest Gump running for the bus, it takes forever to catch up when we get cheated or end up paying for absurd things like gender surgery for thugs.
Criminals went from making license plates for us to us making vaginas for them. Don’t mention it. Bring therapy pets for air travel. Perfect for vets with PTSD. But what happened next? People went online and filled out fake papers. Suddenly, so many dogs were on board that I added heartworm medication to my Xanax. Watching people board the plane now resembles an episode of Wild Kingdom. A lady with a peacock. Bearded weirdos with therapy hoses. A guy stroking a chicken in a line at the exit. Who could that be?
The fact is that human instinct allows us to exploit every good intention. Damn, things like this happen all the time.
STAFF 1: Hey, guys. What can I get for you?
EMPLOYEE 2: Hey. Yes, I’m going for a large soda, and he’s going for the kid’s combination.
EMPLOYEE 1: Sir. That is for children under the age of 12.
STAFFER 2: Actually, he’s 11.
STAFFER 1: But he has a beard.
STAFFER 2: They grow up so fast.
EMPLOYEE 1: Fine. One is the children’s combination. Wait for a second. Which movie did you say you saw again?
STAFFER 2: Yes, I’m going to Lightyear. And he’s going to see the Deep Throat remake.
STAFFER 1: Yes, that movie has an X. He’s way too young for that.
STAFFER 2: Well, actually, he identifies as a 40-year-old.
EMPLOYEE 3: Thanks, Dad. Bye.
STAFFER 2: Enjoy the sex scene, son. I love you.
Now you saw this with COVID loans. How many billions have been scammed? Because how dare we question people who pretend they need the money? But with everything in life, the road paved with good intentions always ends in a ditch of depravity.
Hate crime laws gave us hate crime hoaxes. And how soon before red flag laws cause neighbors to scoff at neighbors out of spite? Now it’s back to burying my body under the floorboards, as before.
It’s about gaming with the system, and like a broken sex doll, even the language is impenetrable.
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Use language to create a new reality if your belief conflicts with reality. According to the New York Post, Langan knew, by the time she was four, that she had been mistakenly identified as a boy. And their entire life has been shaped by the unbearable tension between the new immutability of her gender identity and the often mortal or fatal danger of living her truth publicly.
That’s what we call bullshit. And I still wouldn’t wash my pig with it. It’s a Harley. Be safe. That’s my nickname. But we live in a time when faith suppresses truth as a lifestyle choice.
Even if your belief is wrong, it is still your choice. You can be a flat earther, a 911 truther, or a pregnant man. These are all just idiotic beliefs redefined as choices, and we end up footing the bill as criminals laugh at the gender-neutral bank.
Greg Gutfeld currently hosts FOX News Channel’s (FNC) “Gutfeld!” (weekdays 11 pm/E.T.) and co-host of “The Five” (weekdays 5 pm/E.T.). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. He is the author of several books. His latest is “The Plus: Self-Help for People Who Hate Self-Help.” Click here to learn more about Greg Gutfeld.
